Exciting New Product!

Udas Grun Exuxan

Exuxan Stackable Shelters

Mavic Set

Greetings Udas Exuxan

We are excited to introduce you to our latest product, Vinlorica (copyright protected).

Vinlorica is a nontoxic enamel preparation, created in our labs from our planet-famous cultivars, designed to preserve and protect pre-fab structures from elemental damage, aging, and intentional vandalism. This revolutionary protective coating not only adds YEARS to the life of any pre-fab structure, but also repels unwanted to insect pests, courtesy of a non-toxic additive (additional designer fee applies).

Best of all, Vinlorica not only retains its fresh-coat shine, but can be programmed to change color at the customer’s request (additional designer fee applies).

If you are interested in seeing a demonstration of our new product, I can send a company engineer to your office to apply a sample coat to one of your showroom models.

I understand that you intend to open your new community enclave in a reclaimed southern section of Mavic Set at the beginning of next month. If our product suits, I can easily have a special batch of Vinlorica prepared for you, which can be applied to all shelters in the new enclave, at a 25% discount, with a guaranteed 10% discount on all future orders.

Though we haven’t yet received approval from the Public Safety Oversight Committee, we are confident that by the beginning of next year, at the latest, we will have the sanction of the Corporation to market Vinlorica to manufacturers of cosmetics and comestibles.

Ordering now will put you ahead of our other customers in the production line, ensuring you priority in production runs. Beat the rush!

Dzo Zohvar Rapsid

Happy Garden Cultivars

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Lost in Transit

Udas Jillintor Uavoo

Public Safety Oversight Committee

Greetings Udas Uavoo

First of all, I would like to apologize on behalf of my company for this unfortunate accident, though, strictly speaking, our company was in no way responsible for it. The collapse of the overpass has since been ruled an Act of Nature by the Corporation.

Nonetheless, I want to assure you that none of the seed pods lost from our transport vehicle will germinate. To protect our products from loss or theft, a chemical–its formula protected by copyright–must be introduced to our cultivars before the seed pods will open. My engineers assure me that the recipe for this chemical, which I don’t hesitate to tell you contains certain restricted ingredients that can only be obtained from the Corp lab with the sanction of your office, cannot be reproduced outside our factory.

To put your mind still further at ease, all of our cultivar seed pods are designed to self-destruct, if they do not germinate within ten days of release. This insures product freshness, but also prevents our product from remaining long in the hands of unintended parties.

Please advise if you have any further questions.

Dzo Zohvar Rapsid

Happy Garden Cultivars

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The Ornamental That Wouldn’t

Udas Abrala Krayal

Krayal Housing Development

Mavic Set

Greetings Udas Krayal

As you know, our company prides itself on its 100% satisfaction guarantee. We were grieved to learn that you are not satisfied with the cultivar you purchased from us.

From your communication, it appears that your cultivar won’t adopt the form of a Tasan fauntail. That is, it won’t RETAIN that form, but continues to reshape itself into a Tasan whitewood. While rarely, cultivars do sometimes display idiosyncrasies. I won’t call it stubbornness, because a cultivar is incapable of developing what you might call a personality. Call it a predilection to certain forms. Obviously, your cultivar doesn’t wish to be a fauntail. And continuing to program it to take that shape will only frustrate you and annoy it.

Because we value your business, I am sending a company engineer to your office today to remove the cultivar. We will give you a new one, free of charge, which we hope you will find satisfactory. It assumes a quite lovely fauntail along with 50,000 other ornamentals that you might also enjoy. With your permission, we will sell your discard at discount to another business concern who is looking for a whitewood for their ornamental park.

Please confirm that this meets your approval.

Dzo Zohvar Rapsid

Happy Garden Cultivars

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Why Cads Finish Last

One of my biggest peeves with modern romance novels is the handsome cad who inevitably stumbles his way into them. He can act like a total backside, with or without regret, and still find someone head over heels in love (or lust) with you him.

I offer in example a recent time-travel romance, in which a college hard ass with a drug problem winds up in 1835. 1835 called to complain, by the way. He meets a girl who is at least part Native American. He proceeds, fairly rapidly, to make his shallow jerkiness evident. He manhandles the girl, makes crass jokes about her appearance (Pocahontas, really?), and attempts to kick her dog. Though she pulls a knife on him more than once, Sarah still can’t resist those smoldering eyes and that smoking hot ass.

Is the reading public really this shallow? I hope not!

Every romance writer needs to know one thing about romance–and one thing only. You don’t have to convince your characters they are in love. You have to convince your readers that your characters are CAPABLE of loving each other. No self-respecting woman would ever love a man who mistreats her, makes derogatory cracks at her expense, or attempts to hurt an animal she loves.

Johnny College needs to prove he’s worthy, before we, the readers, learn that Sarah is growing fond of him. And you, the writer, can’t do that by simply tacking in the obligatory “rescue” scene. Johnny College has to do more than simply reach out a hand to the heroine (or hero) in a time of need. He needs to be there for her (or him) time and time again. Johnny College needs to exhibit desirable traits that will last long after his looks fade.

Let’s face it. people. Hot asses and handsome faces inevitably sag. Only loving hearts are for forever!

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Poor Plotting: When Tragedy Becomes Comedy

I was reading a gay romance this past week that went to pieces in the final act because of poor plotting.

The main characters–would-be lovers–let’s call them Tom and Harry–were hosting the grand opening of a vintage toy shop, where not one but two villains conveniently showed up, the first, exposing Harry’s manwhore past, which ought to have been pretty obvious to everyone at that point, since Harry never ceased talking about it, and the second, exposing Harry’s criminal past, which made him appear untrustworthy to Tom. All ends well, of course, somehow without Harry in the least understanding why Tom might not want a man who throws himself at anyone who’ll have him and sees no problem with petty theft, provided its petty and unsuccessful. But never mind that.

The point I’m trying to make here is an author risks making a joke of his characters when he arranges matters too cleverly like this. The manwhore expose could–and should–have come up earlier in the story, providing a much-needed injection of drama in the rather dull middle (all stories can be rather dull in the middle, if you let them be). The evil security guard could have easily carried the scene at the party, revealing to everyone (but especially to Tom) that he was letting a crook run his business. It would have been devastating, instead of just Scene Two in a ridiculous farce.

I offer one final example of the Two Villains Two Many plot danger. Johnny Hero is about to marry Susie Darling. At their engagement party, Johnny’s supposed ex-girlfriend shows up, sporting an engagement ring on her finger. She claims she is engaged to Johnny and pregnant with his child. All is over for Johnny and Susie. Or at least at a point where it might be.

Let’s recast the scene. Johnny Hero is about to marry Susie Darling. At their engagement party, THREE of Johnny’s supposed ex-lovers show up, two lovely ladies and his former roommate from college, a friend with considerable benefits. All three have engagement rings they claim Johnny has given to them. The chaos can be well imagined, but this is no longer a tragedy. It’s too absurd for readers to do anything but laugh.Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestmailby feather

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Tired Tropes: Showmance

Today, I’m going to talk about the most tiresome of tiresome tropes, the showmance.

Johnny Hot Ass, CEO of Money-to-Burn Industries, or Duke Grab-a-Lot-of-It, Heir to an ungodly fortune, are looking for a girl to play the role of fake wife/significant other. They may or may not want to have sex with her, but a “relationship” is utterly, completely out of the question. So they say. But by the end of the book, TRUE LOVE trumps what began as purely selfish interest. They all live happily ever after.

A great reader of Victorian romance, I find it strange that today’s audiences can enjoy books like these. What these arrangements amount to is a kind of high-class prostitution–think Pretty Woman with a period piece budget. The girl getting, if not cold hard cash, at least some benefit from it other than the BENEFIT that sometimes comes with it.That the characters realize their shallowness in time to save something out of this wreck of virtue is hardly reward enough for having to spend any time with them. It’s like enduring sloppy kisses and cheek pinches from a stinky old aunt merely for the sake of the dollar she gives you for candy on her way out the door.

These stories are in bad taste, surely. But what’s worse, utterly impossible to believe. How many times, in real life, has a mercenary showmance turned into a genuine romance?

I can think of one such showmance than ended on a far sadder note. At the age of 37, England’s Queen Mary I married the far younger Prince Phillip of Spain. A politically advantageous marriage, contracted in the best interest of the parties and the countries they represented. It didn’t take long, however, for poor Mary to fall in love with her handsome husband. Sadly, he didn’t return her affections and soon found means to absent himself from her court. Probably to avoid the unpleasant necessity of performing his husbandly duty. Mary believed herself pregnant and showed symptoms of being so. But no child was born of this loveless marriage. And death mercifully dissolved it sometime later.

Though it grieves me to admit it, I don’t think showmances are going away any time soon, even if they lack credibility, because today’s readers have made their peace with marrying those you don’t love for the sake of plenty of hot sex, the sooner, the better. The older style of courtship–getting to know the man before you FUCK him–just ain’t going to cut it. Sorry!

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Small-Part Actors

In my last blog post, I talked about supporting characters and their ability to add much needed color to your stories.

Think of the lovable or not-so-loveable sidekicks from your favorites novels or films? Why do they stand out for you? What makes them memorable?

One of the best small-part actors is the ill-used dog in the Grinch who Stole Christmas. Like any loyal canine, he loves his master and sticks steadfastly at his side, even when the wicked Grinch is at his worst. Imagine the movie without the mutt. Not nearly so good, is it? Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestmailby feather

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Not-So-Helpful Helpers

Recently, I began watching Shadows in the Storm, a 1988 thriller starring Ned Beatty and Mia Sara. In a scene fairly early in the film, the main character, Thelonius Pitt, checks into a lodge to get away from it all—“it all”, being his dead-end life. The innkeeper, a very minor character, provides some very much needed comic relief in this relatively dark film about a good man who makes one irredeemably bad life choice.

In one scene, Pitt is sitting on an outdoor patio, enjoying a breakfast that he has purchased from the innkeeper. Across from him are an older couple, enjoying a lively discussion about their day’s plans, while Pitt struggles to read the book of poetry that he’s brought along. Much to his annoyance, he hasn’t quite set himself free of the annoyances that plagued his everyday life. How many of us can relate to being the captives of a conversation that doesn’t concern us in the least? Pitt asks the innkeeper if he can go inside the lodge for privacy. Eager to please—perhaps TOO eager—the innkeeper walks over to the table where the older couple is sitting, informs them that “an important Los Angeles doctor” is sitting over there, trying to read. “So shut the fuck up!” Of course, they are insulted in the extreme, and assume, wrongly, that Pitt has asked the innkeeper to speak to them in this way. “How rude!” “Why, I never!” So on, so forth. Pitt is ready to crawl in a hole with embarrassment, while the innkeeper, not in the least perturbed, demands some appreciation for service rendered.

This is a fine example of making full use of a supporting character. And in a most unexpected way. An innkeeper who doesn’t welcome his guests is playing against type. Think of Hannibal Lecter, whose elegant taste seems in complete contradiction to his reputation as a cannibal.

Think of some ho-hum supporting characters in your own stories that you can make more interesting. Give them a sufficient twist and watch them grow.Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestmailby feather

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Underutilized Plot Device: The Worthy Rival

Recently I was reading a Max Brand western called The Outlaw. The main character, Larry Lynmouth, rolls into the town of Crooked Horn with a full pardon and a pretty dirty past. Before he can bury the iron pin and tie the knot, he loses a stupid bet to a creepy gambler set on winning the heart of a girl he isn’t fit to polish the boots of. Larry spends the rest of the novel attempting to earn back the reputation he foolishly forfeited to his enemy.

One of the most interesting things about this story is the gambler’s love interest, Cherry. When Larry’s bride-to-be turns her back on him (believing the evil that everyone is spreading around the town about him), Cherry is one of the few people who still believes in Larry. She stands by him, not only in word, but in deed, risking her life several times in the story to help him. Even going so far as to bring her rival to him in the hope that her rival will convince him to give up a foolhardy rescue attempt and light out of town. At the end of novel, Larry goes off with his chosen bride to be, leaving Cherry in the lurch. Cherry suspects it’s her dark coloring that has cost her Larry’s love. Her rival is a blue-eyed blonde. Let’s hope Larry stood by his jilting bride-to-be for a better reason than that.

But this is an interesting plot device that is too rarely utilized: more than one good choice. Instead of putting an evil spouse or a wicked friend or a disapproving parent in the way of true love, why not throw in another prince? Maybe even two!Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestmailby feather

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Setting Mood Through Description

Every writer has his or her particular strength. Fantasy writer A. Merritt’s was his descriptive powers, which he employed to great effect in each and every one of his amazing stories. In The Face in the Abyss (1931), he describes an evil garden. Notice how a careful choice of words sets the mood.

At his left was a garden! A garden of evil!

There, a narrow stream ran over the floor of the cavern in curves and intricate loops. It was crimson, like a stream of sluggishly running blood. Upon its banks were great red lilies, tainted and splotched with venomous greens; orchid blooms of sullen purple veined with unclean scarlets; debauched roses; obscene thickets of what seemed to be shoots of young bamboo stained with verdigris; crouching trees from whose branches hung heart-shaped fruits of leprous white; patches of fleshy leafed plants from whose mauve centers protruded thick yellowish spikes shaped like hooded adders down whose sides slowly dripped glistening drops of some dreadful nectar.

Having established a visual, he now attacks the reader’s olfactory sense.

A little breeze eddied about him. It brought the mingled scents of that strange garden, and these were the very essence of it, distillation of its wickedness. They rocked him with blasphemous imaginings, steeped him with evil longings. The breeze lingered for a breath, seemed to laugh, then fled back to the garden and left him trembling.

He feared that garden! Yes, the fear of it was as strong as the fear of the black throne. Why did he fear it so? Evil, unknown and undreamed evil, was in it. It was living evil–ah, that was it! Vital evil! A flood of evil life pulsed and ran through every bloom, every plant and tree… evil vitality… they drew it from that stream of blood… but, ah, how strong one who fed upon their life might grow….

Writer’s challenge: Take a ho-hum description in your story and inspirit it with a mood. Describe a room in a plush hotel from the point of view of a spoiled socialite, then from the point of view of a poor orphan. Same room, two vastly different experiences! Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestmailby feather

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