While working the second draft of my latest novel, a romance with a time-travel twist, called Passing Strange, I revised a key piece of dialogue between my two main characters, David and Cole.
Here is the original:
“Lady, this place—it isn’t safe at night. A man was stabbed a couple of days ago, a block from here. If the police don’t come, someone worse might.”
He did have a point.
“Got a place I can go for the night?”
The question caught the man off guard. He hesitated, then said, “I live near here. You can stay with me—for the night—if you’ve got no place else to go.”
“You don’t want to take me home with you. Well, I can’t say I blame you. You don’t know me from—Adam.” Do people still say that? “Look. I’ll be straight with you. I recently split with my man.” Cole showed him the winnowed spot on her left ring finger where an overpriced pair of rings had been, only twenty-four hours before. “I used the last of my cold hard cash in gas coming here. I used to have a credit card in my own name, but my bitch mother-in-law cancelled that when I married my asshole husband.” A Valentine never bought anything on credit. “Even if I wanted to stay at a hotel, I’ve got no way to pay for it.”
“Why did you come here?”
Good question. Mosley Bend wasn’t exactly a refuge for the struggling.
“My brother lives near here. Only it’s way too late to go to his house now.”
The man nodded.
“If you don’t want to let me into your house, you don’t have to. I’ll just park my car in your driveway—and be gone before you get up tomorrow morning.” She smiled with artificial brightness. “So you’ll get your boy scout badge without having to stick your neck out for me any further than you already have. How’s that?”
The man looked closely at her. “I think I can trust you.”
Here’s my problem with that version. I get from A to B, as planned, but it seems a little too quick and somewhat hard to believe. Is she really going to suggest staying with this guy, who she doesn’t know, and is he really going to agree to it that easily?
Here’s my revision.
“Lady, this place—it isn’t safe at night. A man was stabbed a couple of days ago, a block from here. If the police don’t come, someone worse might.”
He did have a point. “Look. I’ll be straight with you. I recently split with my man.” Cole showed him the winnowed spot on her left ring finger where an pair of overpriced rings had been, only twenty-four hours before. “I used the last of my cold hard cash in gas coming here. I had a credit card in my own name, but my bitch mother-in-law cancelled that when I married my asshole husband.” A Valentine never bought anything on credit. “Even if I wanted to stay at a hotel, I’ve got no way to pay for it.”
“Why did you come here?”
Good question. Mosley Bend wasn’t exactly a refuge for the struggling.
“My brother lives near here. Only it’s way too late to go to his house now.”
The man nodded.
“Got a place I can go for the night?”
The question caught the man off guard. He hesitated, then said, “I live near here. You can stay with me—for the night—if you’ve got no place else to go.”
“You don’t want to take me home with you. Well, I can’t say I blame you. You don’t know me from—Adam.” Do people still say that? “If you don’t want to let me INSIDE your house, no problem. I’ll just park my car in your driveway—and be gone before you get up tomorrow morning.” She smiled with artificial brightness. “So you’ll get your boy-scout badge without having to stick your neck out for me any further than you already have. How’s that?”
In this version, the girl explains why she hasn’t anywhere else to go, gaining the guy’s sympathy AND providing him with a little backstory. Now she isn’t a COMPLETE stranger. She’s just some girl down on her luck who needs a friend. When she asks for the favor, a place to stay temporarily, he’s more receptive to saying yes.
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